For weeks I’ve been kicking ass. Between school, my new job at the law firm, and Jack, I don’t have time to breathe it feels like. But I’ve been pushing myself to be better. There’s nothing I love more than when I know the puzzle pieces are fitting together. I can honestly say that I’m proud of myself for everything that I’ve been doing for myself. Success is defined by one’s own happiness, rather than a list of accomplishments scrutinized by others. I’m feeling pretty successful. There’s just a piece of me I haven’t quite figured out yet.
I want someone so bad that it hurts. Not the bad hurt, the good hurt. The hurt that makes you feel alive. I’m not going to beg and cry. I’m not going to plead for another chance. I’m just sitting here looking at my puzzle pieces, trying to figure out if he fits. Does he even want to be a part of my puzzle? Or do I need to keep searching? Or should I quit all together and wait for God to magically drop the puzzle piece in front of me when He’s ready?
I’m sitting here trying to cram for a test coming up. I’ve got three papers to write, discussions, quizzes, and a crap ton of reading to do. Procrastination at it’s finest. Everything has to get caught up today so that I can relax on my Sunday, and start prepping for next week.
But I’m thinking about last night.
Ever ran into someone you dated in the past? It’s happened to us all. Eye contact made across the bar. Then quickly looking away and going back to laughing and talking with your friends. Quick glances to see if he’s with another girl, or if he’s looking back at you too. Beaming your best smile. Laughing like you’re the most effervescent person there. Then casually slipping by to get a quick hug from someone else you know.
And suddenly he’s behind you, tickling the hairs at the nape of your neck. Then you’re wrapped in a hug, asking how he’s been doing. You start off stepped back. Not letting him see your hands shaking or feel your anxiety. As conversation moves, so does your body. Leaning in a little closer to talk. Touching his arm to reassure him that you’re listening. He tells you you look pretty tonight.
Once again, your vices are brought to your attention. Mistakes that were made. What happened, what should’ve happened, what could’ve happened. Your feelings were honest, his were too. You miss him, he misses you. But that doesn’t change what happened. He did this, you did that. Words were said, poor life choices were made. And in a blink, you’re kissing his cheek. Just a few steps away from where you had your first kiss. You’re thinking about the good things. Then you walk away.
You’re out of the bar, walking to the parking lot, and even though you barely had anything to drink, you throw up. All of your tension and lost feelings are on the ground next to your car. And the uncertainty has started to fade.
I don’t need anyone to remind me of my mistakes. My mind does that enough for me on a daily basis. I am flawed. The life I live is far from perfect. But it’s my life. Though I can be irrational and out of line at times, I’m a work in progress. I’m constantly evolving and growing into the woman I’m meant to be. My demons are my motivation to push forward. Yes, I hate some of the nonsense I’ve gotten myself into. But it happened. It’s done. Lesson learned. Moving the hell on.
To constantly keep pointing out mistakes to someone trying to free themselves of their past is like putting a glass of vodka in front of a recovering alcoholic. Don’t do it.
But let me tell you this:
I am good. I am happy. I am driven. I am caring. I love with all of my heart. I am passionate about this life. I am TRYING. I am a kick ass employee with a powerful work ethic. I am a damn good mother. I am a hard-working student.
But I don’t want to be good. I want to be brilliant. I want to be exceptional. I want people to see me and know that I’ve got my shit together. So if you’re going to tear me down, pick me up and dust me off. Motivate me. Push me to be even greater. Tear me down with love, pick me up with understanding. Push me with passion, devotion, and determination. Do not expect perfection. Accept my efforts.
Know that I’m not done yet. And I will never be done. Know that I have skeletons in my closet and that’s where they will stay. If you miss me, miss all of me. If you want me, want all of me. See that I’m a work in progress and hold my hand through it. Challenge me. Grow with me.
BE BRILLIANT WITH ME.